The Kind of Dream That Follows You
by Chiikara
Summary: NATHAN/TOKI METALOCALYPSE. A ghost comes to visit Nathan. AU, SLASH, COMPLETE!
1. The Reflection

Nathan woke up with a soft growl, knowing tonight had been full of dreams but forgetting what they were. Nightmares, probably. Nathan Explosion was no stranger to nightmares, but usually they were the kind that just sort of passed by in a haze, not really frightening, just vaguely interesting and well, brutal enough to be classified as a nightmare. Only once or twice did they actually make him jump, and then it was natural things – falling dreams, the like. He once had a nightmare about a ghost, but that was long ago.

He got up slowly, flipping his long, black hair over his shoulders, walking to the bathroom, brushing his teeth. He looked up in the mirror and saw himself quite realistically – broad shoulders, sharp features, pudgy. Getting older, he thought. Still hadn't found a girl like his dear old Ma pestered him to do, but he was living.

That was when he saw the second reflection.

At first, Nathan just jumped a little and then closed his eyes. It wasn't so strange, to have a dream linger a little after waking. Probably normal. He thought he saw someone else in the mirror, but it was nothing. Just the kind of dream that follows you.

But when he opened his eyes, the face was still there.

Nathan outright stared now. He never really hallucinated before, but he thought it would be a lot more, well – foggier, or something. This was crystal-clear, sharp.

And then the thing spoke.

"You lonelys?" it's voice was like a bell chime, distant, too, but in it's own way, human. Mostly because of the accent – there was an _accent,_ God, what a weird hallucination.

Now Nathan _did_ jump, and he shouted a little too, whirling around to look behind him where the thing – whatever it was – should have been. Nothing – air. He slowly turned back to the mirror, and there it was again, a silvery little face, translucent, long, straight hair and a wisp of a fu manchu. A kid, maybe twenty. Large, pale eyes. There was no color to them – no color to any of him, really, except for white. It was then Nathan realized the kid's hand was on his shoulder, and he slowly reached up with his opposite arm and pressed his fingers over the hallucination's.

He didn't feel a damn thing.

"Oh, maybes not yous." the thing said sadly, it's hand slipping off of Nathan's shoulder. "You don'ts seem like you wants to listen."

"Listen?" Nathan repeated hoarsely. Maybe he was still asleep. Maybe this would be one of those rare nightmares, and the fu manchu kid would pull out a big fucking butcher knife and take his head off of something. He folded his arms and waited for something to happen, for the hallucination-dream-thing to grow fangs or disappear in a flash of blood or just plain disappear, and then maybe he's wake up, or maybe right _now_ he'd wake up. And then the kid sighed and Nathan fleetingly thought that maybe he was already awake.

"Ja, yous really big, yous probably try and hits me. I don'ts wants to get hit." the dream's voice was melancholy. "I's jes wanted to knows if you was lonelys, too. Or if you wanted to plays."

"Play?" This felt like something out of a movie, or one of those shit ghost shows about house hauntings and the undead. Which were pretty cool even if you didn't believe in it, which Nathan didn't, but still, the whole concept was kind of inspiring. Maybe this was one of those inspiring dreams, then.

And as if on cue, the thing said; "Yous probably thinks you're dreaming, ja?"

Nathan nodded stupidly.

"Yous snore when you sleep." the thing said matter-of-factly. "Loudly."

Nathan frowned. "What the hell are you?"

He looked a little surprised, now. "Ohs, I's a ghosts! Not the bad kind, thoughs, I's not here to haunts you. I jes' wanted to know."

A fucking ghost. Nathan looked up at the ceiling and groaned. If this really wasn't a dream, it was one weird thing to wake up to. Besides, ghosts weren't really, well. . .like this. Ghosts were classic Halloween when they weren't brutal as hell, tearing people apart in a music video or something. Or possessing something. Not little foreign-sounding things with sad eyes and fu manchus.

"You're a ghost." he said, just to claify.

"Ja. I's been lookings for someones, you knows. But yous probably don't wants to be bothered, ja?"

Well, it's not like he had anything better to do, realistically. And it wasn't every day you saw a real ghost – if that was really what he was.

"I – fuck it, whatever. What's your name."

The ghost blinked. ". . .Toki. Whats about yous?"

_Weird ass name._ he thought, but didn't say it. "Nathan."

"Nat'ans! I remembers a Nat'ans from somewheres. . .from a dream, or somethings." He looked pretty damn happy at that.

"Whoa, wait. You have dreams?" That was new. If ghosts had dreams, then they slept like normal people too. Maybe they did everything normal people did, just. . .differently, or something. Did he eat? Nathan eyed the kid. He was skinny as hell. No, he probably didn't eat.

"Nei. But I gets pulled into 'dems sometimes. They jes' sucks you rights in! Sometimes 'deys scary, too. But they all ends eventually, so dats okays."

Nathan put a hand to his forehead. This was just too much. "Look, I was just going to have breakfast. "

"Oooh, sorries! I interrupt."

"Yeah." Nathan brushed the comment off. "You don't eat, do you? Because you know, this is pretty fucking brutal, having a ghost and all, but I have no idea what the hell you are or what you, you know, what you _do._"

"What I's do?" Toki looked thoughtful, one silvery-white hand rising to touch his chin in the way a child might. "I's looking." he said at last.

". . .right, looking. Someone you know die or something?"

"Nei. I's looking for someones new."

Nathan didn't know what to make of that. "Well, I'm going to eat. Do you follow me around or something?"

"Nei? You wants me to?"

"Uh. . ." Toki's eyes were lighting up. "Can I's? Maybe yous not as scary as you looks!"

Scary? Nathan grinned a little. A ghost was calling him scary. That was definitely ego-boosting.

"Yeah, sure. Take a seat or whatever." he said as he headed for the kitchen. He didn't know what the hell he was going to eat – probably some bacon or something – or weather or not the kid could even sit down – could ghosts sit down? But this morning was certainly proving to be a lot more interesting than the last.


	2. Avoiding Answers

Toki didn't quite sit down more than he hovered a good inch or two from the chair. But he folded his hands politely on his lap and looked around as if he were in a museum, eating up everything with his eyes. Nathan threw some cereal in a bowl, slapped it down on the table, and sat opposite him, resting his hands beneath his chin.

"You don't eat or nothing, right?" he asked, just to make sure.

"Me? Nei."

"So you really are dead."

"Ja, I died." Toki confirmed cheerfully.

"When was that?" he found a spoon in one of the cabinets and dug it into the cereal. Tasteless shit, but he really didn't feel like cooking anything anymore. He felt like figuring out what the hell was going on. If he was going to know a ghost, he might as well know the basics of this shit.

"Oh, I's not sure! It's _hards_ to keep tracks of time when yous dead. Ah. . .years from nows?"

Nathan took another bite and set his spoon down with distaste. He watched Toki for a moment, trying to concentrate on him and not the space behind him, which was proving to be a little difficult, because he now seemed more translucent than before. At last he asked the question he had really been burning to ask; "So, how did you die?"

"Eh?" Toki said incoherently, his eyes widening a little. "Ohs. Um, yous don't needs to know _dat_."

"Yes I do." Nathan said shortly. Toki squirmed. For something that was supposed to be deceased, he certainly acted very human. "'dis not important." he said at last.

"You're living in my house, and I want to know." Nathan growled. A pause. Then; ". . .wait, how long have you been living here?"

"Ohs, only a few days. I didn't wants to bother yous until you were in a better moods."

"You've been _watching_ me?"

"Only a littles! Mostly I jes' looking arounds the house!" Toki squeaked, flinching. Nathan frowned, the flinch striking him as a little odd. He hadn't moved to hit the boy. He hadn't even moved at all. "So, how did you die again?" he pressed, pushing the detail out of his mind momentarily.

"Nat'ans, I. . .can'ts remembers."

"Now you're lying." Nathan intoned dangerously. He didn't know how much harm he could do to a ghost, but if Toki were human, he'd definitely be doing some threatening by now. Death wasn't something to push aside. He wanted to know what drove someone to not move on.

"I's not!" Toki protested hotly. "I's tellings the truths!"

Nathan rubbed his temples, looking down at his barely-touched cereal again. "What's with the accent?" he questioned once it seemed Toki wasn't going to talk any time soon. "You Germen or something?"

"Norwegian."

"Why aren't you in Norway, then?"

More hesitation. "'dis not important." he repeated awkwardly.

Nathan fisted his hands in his hair. "Can you do _anything? _Anything ghostly, any of that shit? Can you possess people?"

"Dat's not nice!"

"Who said anything about being nice?"

"Nat'ans. . ." Toki whined.

"Alright, fine. Why here, anyway? Why this house? I don't have anything you'd want."

Toki's eyes lit up a little. "Wells. . ." he said, and then began to mumble something in a different language. Nathan raised his eyebrows, watching him closely, wringing his fingers together, when at last he picked out the words 'looks', 'can'ts' and 'flying V.'

"Flying V?" he repeated thickly. "You can play?"

"J-ja. Used to. Can't anymores."

"I don't – " He stopped. The truth was, he did own a Flying V – in his garage. It had been a birthday present long ago, something me messed with once or twice before stowing away. So the ghost had seen it? "You like guitars, huh?" he said with honest curiosity. "You can play?"

"Could plays." Toki corrected him sadly.

". . .right." said Nathan a little guiltily, feeling a headache coming on. _Could_ play. All of this was slowly sinking in, becoming clearer and clearer the more he woke up and the more Toki chattered. ". . .when you were, uh, alive?"

"Ja." A blush crept up into his face. Embarrassment. "My parents didn't like it, though."

"Why not?"

"It's bad." he said, matter-of-factly.

"Music's not bad." Nathan frowned.

"Nei. Bad." Toki insisted. "So I did it in secret, because I was bad, too. Bad Toki." he mumbled.

Nathan rubbed his temples idly. "You came here because of my guitar?"

"Ja. . ." he said guiltily, running see-through fingers through his silvery hair.

"And you stayed because. . .?"

"Of you." Toki said, his cheeks darkening further.

Nathan pushed his breakfast aside and rested his elbows on the table. "What's so special about me." he asked flatly.

"Ohs, I's not sure, at first. I's 'jes looking, you know." he said. "I haven't found ones yet, so I 'jes kept looking, but I didn't wants to bothers you, so I left you alone for a whiles. I guess I'm still lookings. . ."

"Looking for. . .?" Nathan pressed, wishing the kid was a little more clear.

"Ah. Um." If Toki had any color to him, he was sure his face would have been bright red by now. "Someone to loves me."

Nathan stared. "Someone to love you." he repeated dimly, and began to massage his temples again. Toki squirmed a little.

"I's going to look arounds." he announced, and glided away from the table and into the opposite room. Nathan watched him go, the way he made everything around him seem to ripple, his feet never touching the ground, and dug his hands into his hair. His mind didn't seem to be able to come up with anything, just blankness, a vague sense of understanding what was going on around him, but at the same time he didn't understand. Lost in his own confusion, he lowered his head and gritted his teeth together, trying to make the pieces fit.

It wasn't until some time later that he got up to look for Toki himself.


	3. The Other Side

He found Toki out back, head tilted back, looking at the open sky. His silver hair floated around him strangely, translucent hands folded behind his back with the fingers knotted together securely. It was almost picture-perfect, if he had been alive. Nathan let out a breath he hadn't even been aware that he was holding. "What are you out here for?" After several minutes of tearing the house apart looking for the kid, he wasn't sure if he should be relieved, angry, or exhausted.

"'s nice out heres." Toki said matter-of-factly. "'de sky is pretty."

"It's Florida." Nathan said simply, walking to stand beside him. Then; "You do know where you are, right?"

"Oh, ja." he replied airily.

"And you're from Norway."

"Ja."

"So you had to travel here." Nathan guessed. Maybe ghosts didn't need to travel. Maybe they just disappeared and re-appeared in the blink of an eye.

"Oh, nei, I 'jes ended up here somehows. It's, um,. . .I guess you call 'un-con-shes-ness?' Like part of me wanted to be heres, so heres I am!" He smiled.

"Unconscious." Nathan corrected him without any thought. "And you mean, uh, instinct or something? You willed yourself here without knowing it?"

"I's not sure. . .it jes happened."

Well, that certainly didn't clear anything up. He sighed, combing a hand through his dark locks. Now that some time had passed, there was a strange knot tightening in his stomach, eating up the strangeness of the situation and balancing his mind between conclusions of insanity, hallucinations, panic, and, well, the truth – that there really _was_ a ghost from Norway happily chatting with him.

"Come inside. Someone might see you." he said gruffly. A pause. Then; "Wait, can others see you?"

"Um, I thinks so. I's not too sure. Usually I stays out of de way."

Better not risk it. "Come inside." he repeated, turning to walk back into the house. He looked over his shoulder to make sure the ghost was following, concluded that he was, indeed, hovering just behind him, and led him back into the house, holding the door open though part of him was tempted to close it and see if the kid would run into it or walk right through it. Probably the latter. God, this was weird.

"Can I sees de guitar?" Toki asked once Nathan closed the door, sounding a little breathless. Nathan shrugged. "Sit – uh. . .sit down, I guess. I'll go find it." He watched with almost morbid curiosity as Toki took a fake seat, positioning himself on air so that he looked as if he were sitting on the nearby couch. He vaguely wondered if it was uncomfortable, or if Toki realized he was hovering, or if he even felt anything at all. Would he feel it if another ghost touched him? He frowned at the thought as he dug out his old Flying V and returned to him, throwing it down on the couch beside him carelessly. It bounced a little on the cushions.

Toki popped up and floated over it in awe. Like an airborne fairy, his body rose and fell slightly, hands wandering over the strings, the tips of his fingers sinking into the guitar and sliding back out as he tried to hit the cords. It was kind of sad to watch, Toki willing the notes to play, running his hands over the surface and probably imagining what it would be like to touch, careful and cautious, like a lover, though there was no possible way he could even scratch it as he was now. "You, uh, like it?" Nathan asked.

"_Ja. . ._it's awesome!" He looked over his shoulder and smiled widely at Nathan, the outline of his hair flipping over his back. Nathan scratched his neck awkwardly. "Look." he said. "Why are you even doing this to yourself? You – you can't play it. You're torturing yourself just trying to touch it."

Toki bristled slightly. "I's not torturing myself." he huffed. "It brings back memories."

"Good memories?" Nathan pressed.

Toki hesitated. "Ja." he said at last, but he didn't look so sure. Nathan sighed. "Look, you want it? It's yours. You can look at it all you want. It's not like I'm gonna use it anytime soon."

Toki's eyes lit up. "Reallys!? Oh! T'anks you, Nat'ans!" He leapt up and threw his arms around the man, and Nathan stiffened, half-expecting to feel an icy chill where his silvery shadow of skin touched human flesh. But when nothing happened, he turned his head to see that even the embrace was carefully positioned, Toki's arms wrapped around the air around him, some of his hand going through his right shoulder, some of his forearm slightly lifted off his upper arm. Realization dawned on him. "You've been. . .practicing this?"

"Eh?" Toki pulled away, even managed to make it look like he was still bracing his hands on Nathan's shoulders. His body floated a good foot off the carpet. "Practices?"

"You can't touch me, so you make it look like you can."

Toki's cheeks darkened slightly. "Ah. . .it's not fun is alls, not being ables to do things."

"You miss being human?" he asked, surprising himself with the question. The ghost looked suddenly uncomfortable, and smiled a smile that was obviously forced. "Ohs. . .not all the times." He said cryptically, then glided back toward the Flying V, trying to end the conversation.

Nathan would have none of it. "Why not? Being human's pretty nice. You can touch things. . .play things. . ." he flicked a finger across one of the strings of the Flying V, producing a random note that hung in the air, echoing oddly in his ears. Toki went still. "You don't want that?" he said. He knew he was being cruel, now, but the ghost's dodging questions was beginning to get to him. He wanted to know, damn it.

"Less painful." Toki mumbled at last.

Well, that was interesting. Apparently, Toki could still feel _emotions._ That only meant. . ."Someone was hurting you?" The thought caused a stab of anger somewhere in his stomach.

He couldn't see Toki's face, but his shoulders hunching was answer enough.

"Who was hurting you?" he intoned dangerously.

". . .not importants. . ."

"Are they dead now?" Nathan pressed. "You could haunt them, couldn't you? You're dead – "

"I don't want to haunt them!" Nathan jumped a little at the sound of his voice. It was. . .different, as if he were hearing it through a synthesizer. Something on his back seemed to be moving, too, like a shadow had fallen over it.

"Why not? If they hurt you." He couldn't help it, the words were falling from him without heed, thoughts spilling from his lips before he could stop him. "What did they do to you? Someone beat you up? Were you murdered? Were you raped? You should haunt them, Toki, they'd fucking deserve it if they – "

"_I DON'T WANT TO HAUNT THEM!" _Toki shrieked, and now he knew he had gone too far. Toki's shirt seemed to be melting off him, and replacing the makeshift fabric was a thousand dark bruises and cuts, illusions of raised welts and scrapes, silver-black blood dripping from his torso and arms and wrists and neck. He whirled around suddenly, and Nathan gave a shout to see his face.

It didn't look like a face. Not Toki's face. His eyes were dark, surrounded by inky black that seemed to drip down his cheeks like tears. It was a different form of him, completely.

And it hit him, suddenly, everything crashing down upon him – that Toki was two things in one, pain and happiness. That his cheerful exterior and dodging questions had a reason behind it. Deep down into a person's soul where their most twisted fears and hatred and heartache lay – that was all that was left of this side of Toki.

He took a step back, whispered his name once. The image of his smiling face flashed in his brain, and suddenly he missed it, wanted to hold it, wanted to look at it one more time.

"THEY DIDN'T KILLS ME! I'S BAD_! BAD!"_ he struck his chest with his right fist, leaving a new bruise, blossoming like a rose.

"Okay, Toki, okay, it's okay – " he held up his hands in surrender. Toki's shoulders slumped, and suddenly the makeup-like smears of black on his cheeks began to run like fresh tears. "_Why do you cares, Nat'ans? Why do you cares if I was killeds or rapes or hurts? Is not important!"_

"Toki, it _is_ fucking important." Nathan protested. "You're dead, for fucks sake!"

Toki stiffened. "You's not my someones." he said emptily. "You's can't loves me."

"Toki – "

"Prove it. Proves you can."

Nathan stared. He didn't _know._ It was just too quick – one minute he was a cute kid, a sad kid, trying fruitlessly to play with a Flying V, and now he was like something out of a gothic movie, crying inky tears and covered in marks of abuse. He wanted love. Nathan had never been in love, never, not with any of his old girlfriends, not with his admirers, not with anyone. Not with ghosts. But how was he supposed to 'prove it?' He didn't even _know_ it. He didn't even fucking_ know._

Toki closed his eyes.

"You don'ts love me. You's not the one I's looking for."

Nathan couldn't answer. Toki hovered another few inches off the ground, the shadowy blood dripping from his body and vanishing before it could touch the floor. "Wartooth family 's cursed." he muttered. "I's cursed, too."

"Cursed?"

"Bad." Toki said again, and then he turned and floated to the wall, his body slowly fading. . .

Wait. _Wait._

"_Wait!_ Don't fucking_ leave!"_

Toki wiped at his blackened eyes and gave Nathan a hard look of betrayal.

"But I loves you." he said, and the world came crashing down.


	4. Close Your Eyes

The first thing his brain seemed to register was that he was on the floor.

Blinking, Nathan lifted his head. Messy black locks blocked his vision, and he squinted through them to see the abandoned Flying V and. . .nothingness. His hand tightened against the carpet, and he dropped his gaze again, looking down at his white-knuckled fingers, half-expecting to see blood splatters between them. But there was no blood, because Toki was already dead.

Dead.

Nathan growled softly, pressing one hand to his forehead roughly. The image of Toki's face stained with black tears was damning, burned into his mind's eye like a knife chiseling into wood. The look on his face, the bruises and cuts on his chest. . .it was the definition of a soul at unrest. He. . .needed to move on. Face facts. Find his. . .someone.

_Prove it._

Nathan drove his fist into the floor.

Fuck him. Goddamn ghost moving into his house without his permission. Nathan got up slowly, not bothering to flip his hair over his shoulders, knowing he looked like a barbarian. Feeling like one, too. Fucking ghosts. He walked to the counter, feeling dizzy in a distant sort of way, like it's was someone else's brain that was spinning. He fumbled for a pen, found one, grabbed the nearest paper (coincidently the back of an unopened letter from today's mail) and scribbled down;

TOKI WARTOOTH

He was pretty sure that's what Toki said. Wartooth curse, something. He looked around hollowly, half-expecting Toki to be hovering over him, asking questions and dodging answers.

There was no Toki, of course.

He punched the table, this time.

"TOKI!" he roared. "GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!"

He didn't know why he wanted him back. He didn't know why he fucking cared. He should be happy. No more ghosts. Good riddance. But his stomach hurt thinking about it, thinking about Toki before everything turned to dust, before everything started spinning and he blacked out. _But I loves you. _

_I loves you._

He didn't know what love was. He didn't know, but he was fucking angry, and this was all Toki's fucking fault, all this shit. Fucking Toki. Fucking ghosts. He punched the table again, making it tilt to one side before slamming back down loudly, turning his knuckles red. "TOKI!" he shouted again. It wasn't fucking _right,_ to just bitch and leave like that.

He found his way back to the Flying V, fully intending to pick it up and snap it in half, but once he saw it the anger immediately began to ebb away. Something strange welled up, replacing it, like water filling an empty glass, and vaguely, distantly, he reached down and plucked a string again. It echoed emptily in the silence of the room.

Another note. His hair spilled in front of his face, making the strings hard to see. Another, another, as if it were a song that might call Toki back.

_Why do you cares if I was killeds, or rapes, or hurts?_

Nathan rested his hand on the Flying V and stopped, lifting his head a little. Locks of inky hair fell back, giving him a view of the drab brown wall and couch. Why did he care if he was murdered? People were murdered every day, right? He didn't care until now. People got raped all the time. People were getting hurt all over the world, this very second. He didn't care.

Why the fuck not? Why didn't he care?

_Is not important!_

"It _is_ important." he muttered, grasping the edge of the Flying V and turning it face down. "It's fucking important and _you're_ important Toki, and you're never going to fucking rest in peace if you don't get a grip on yourself."

_Get a grip on yourself._

Fuck.

Nathan sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry I'm not your fucking 'someone'." he said gruffly to the open air. "And that I fucking. . .pressured you and, uh, upset you. Toki. And I'm. . ." he swallowed. "Going to find that fucking Wartooth family and give them hell for whatever they did to you. Don't, uh. . ." he tried to picture Toki's face now, tried to pretend it was him he was talking to. "Don't give up on. . .finding someone. You'll get there."

There. He said it.

Rubbing his forehead absentmindedly, Nathan turned away and headed toward his laptop. If he was going to find the Toki's family, he might as well start by seeing if he could look them up. Maybe he's get lucky.

He was just sitting down when his vision fogged over. It took him a few seconds to realize it was because of a pair of translucent hands pressed over his eyes.

"Guess who." His voice was sad.

Nathan opened his mouth to speak, completely oblivious on what to say, only that it would be _something _and he _wouldn't_ fuck up this time.

"Don't goes. I don't want you to goes." Toki's voice interrupted him. It was no longer strange and doubled-over, but normal, and just. . .depressed.

"Why the fuck not?"

"They didn'ts kill me."

"Toki, I don't even know what the hell happened. How can tell me you fucking _love_ me and keep me in the dark?"

"I don'ts knows." Toki confessed, drawing his hands away. Nathan didn't turn around to look at him, unsure of what he mind find if he did. "But I cant's help it. I's never been in love before, but it feels so weirds, like it's supposed to be like dis. But I don't want you to knows."

"Why?" he asked honestly.

Toki didn't answer, but Nathan saw two silvery hands snake around to hug him.

"Because the pasts is the pasts."

"Not if you're still crying over it."

"I's not. . ." he protested weakly, then, in a smaller voice; ". . .I didn'ts want yous to sees dat."

"Yeah." was all he could say. Honestly, he hadn't wanted to see Toki like that either. He didn't think he wanted to see _anybody_ like that, so exposed and broken.

"If you knows, you's hate me."

"I'm not going to fucking hate you." Nathan said firmly.

"Yous don't hates me now?"

"I'm kinda pissed, Toki, but no." he sighed. "You're dead, it's just. . .you're supposed to move on."

His voice was alarmed, now; "You wants me to go?"

"No, I just. . ." Christ, this sounded corny. ". . .you should be happy."

Toki said nothing. Then, after it seemed he was going to fade away again, Nathan began to turn around, and he found the foggy haze of Toki's hands fall over his face again.

"Close yous eyes." he instructed.

Nathan did.

When he opened them again, he was in another world, another timeline, watching Toki of the past, small and fragile and sitting alone in a basement somewhere in Norway.


	5. Hurt

_His hair was long, but only to his shoulders, the ends rough in a way that suggested he had used some sort of dagger to cut it. He was wearing a blue shirt and shorts, his hands cuffed, at first glance looking like wrist bands, at second glance seen as they really were; two metal circles chained to the wall. He looked about seventeen years old, hugging his arms to his chest and rubbing his thumbs in small circles over his skin. But the strangest thing was the flickering. Every now and then, his body was turn white – just for a fraction of a second – then back to it's normal flesh tone. A ghost's memory, trying to piece together what it was like to be human._

_Every now and then a black tear would drip from his cheeks and it would be apparent that the ghost Toki's memory of real tears had been overcome by his dead sobbing._

_And then a woman in a black dress entered – small, fragile looking – kneeled down over Toki, unlocked the cuffs, and pulled him to his feet by his upper arm. Toki went with her willingly, casting a longing glance behind him once before another white flicker overcame him. He turned his back eventually, and the contrast of blue against crimson blood was startling._

_Someone had been whipping him._

_The woman pulled him from the room, up a small flight of stairs, and into the depths of her house. She led him to a black table with a wisp of something silvery on it, and pointed expectantly, her claw like grasp on his arm unyielding. Toki's face paled, and he said something in quick Norwegian. She slapped him hard, then pointed again. This time, Toki didn't speak, just stood there, flickering white on and off, his features randomly distorting, like a battered film skipping._

_The wisp began to move, and the sight of a guitar – a Flying V – faded into it. It quickly changed to the shape of a man – a big man – and then a cheering crowd. Finally, the wisp began to grow pink, and the shadow of two long-haired forms showed up, entwined together, lips joining._

_Toki was completely white by now. He muttered the word 'witch' once, and the woman gave him a long, hard look as a tall man entered, dressed in black as well. She nodded to him, and he found an axe sitting in the corner and ran his thumb along it experimentally._

_Toki began to tremble. _

_The man disappeared outside with the axe, and the woman took Toki by the arm and began to follow. Toki twisted out of her grasp and shouted something, which she quickly retorted with another smack. He stiffened, snapped 'witch!' and then turned and bolted for the nearest door. The wisp blew out. _

_The woman followed him calmly inside, where he was gathering things together in a sack. There was a Flying V sitting in the corner, and when he reached for it, the woman's body jerked sharply. The guitar caught on fire instantly. "Witch." she said, as if clarifying Toki's earlier accusations. Toki gave a little shout, clapped a hand over his mouth, and lifted the sack over his shoulder hurriedly, trying to get past her. She let him go._

_He ran outside, his breath coming in cold hard pants, flickering white every other second now, and then a crazed smile hit his face, half happiness, half fear, as if he couldn't believe he had just run away. The images from the wisp began to flash around him like a spell – the guitar, the audience, the kiss. He hugged himself shortly and began to run._

_The colors shifted and changed – time passing by. Toki was older now, and someone was holding their hand out to him. He was taking it hesitantly, and again the image of the kissing couple briefly presented itself. Hope. He climbed into what looked like an RV, full of instruments of all kinds on the inside, and his eyes lit up as they found a Flying V. The man chuckled and held his arms out as if to say 'take it, go ahead.' Toki gladly picked it up and began to fiddle with it. In no time at all, everyone – five in all – had gathered around him in awe, watching his hands work magic. The music was incredible. Eyes were wide. The man who had offered his hand was smiling, and as Toki looked up at him, his memory seemed to skip suddenly and the man appeared to have no face._

_The faceless man hugged him, said a few things blurrily, and began to talk with him happily. Images of the Flying V and the cheering crowd popped up all around them. The prophecy fulfilled. _

_Part of it._

_The image of the kiss wavered behind him like a hopeful puppy, but overcoming it was doubt. The faceless man wasn't the One. But maybe he would find the One on the way. It was better than living with his parents._

_Time passed. Colors blurred. Scenes flew by like song birds, music was played, sung, recorded. Toki was alone in his room, fiddling with his Flying V. The door opened, and the faceless man came in. For a brief second the image of Toki chained in the basement with his mother entering flashed, but then they were back again, Toki flickering white every few seconds now, the man's face completely blank of features still._

_And then he had Toki on the bed, pinning his wrists above his head with one hand, the other one over his mouth. Toki didn't struggle, but his eyes were wide, and his body trembled. He was thinking of his father, and the images of his face popped up around him like bubbles._

"_You're not the star of this band." came the man's voice. "I am. I fucking own you, got that? You're the bitch here."_

_Toki said nothing, could say nothing, so the faceless man released him. He turned to leave, then seemed to think better of it, and turned around, looming over Toki like a mountain. "Get on your knees."_

_Toki looked from him to the floor and picked his Flying V back up, clutching unto as if it were a life savor. The faceless man put his hands on his hips, then raised a hand to strike him. In a panic, Toki caught it, then twisted it, and a scream of pain erupted around the room. He reached with his unharmed hand and grasped a lock of Toki's long hair, tugging on it so hard that Toki himself fell face-forward on the floor. Punches were thrown, and soon Toki was on the floor, dazed, with the man straddling him, undoing his pants with one hand. "Fucking bitch." he breathed. "You stupid whore."_

_Toki found the Flying V one-handedly and brought it down over the man's head._

_He stumbled off of him, and Toki got up and ran, leaving the man howling on the floor with the Flying V sitting somewhere to his left._

_He ran out of the RV, out of the range of their prying eyes, so far he couldn't catch his breath anymore and had to stop. It hurt. It hurt. And the One was no where to be found. Why could nobody love him? Not his parents, not his 'friends'. . .he needed to find the One, that person, that somebody. Somebody new._

_Toki wandered alone, without money or food, and time passed. His stomach hurt, and it was agonizing. The foggy image of his mother's wisp spell fluttered through his head, and he flickered white so often now that it was almost painful to watch. The black tears returned and dripped down his cheeks like rainwater. The thoughts began to mix and churn. He hated himself, his old self, for being so weak, his new self, for being so stupid. His thoughts became crazed, and soon the faceless man's words became reality. Fucking bitch. Stupid whore. He needed to kill that side of him, the bad side. His mother was right. He was bad. Him. His fault. His fault. Bad._

_All he needed to do was kill the bad side of him, then the good side could go find the One. His someone new. _

_The black tears spilled down his front, slowly disappearing. Fucking bitch. Whore._

_He didn't even realize when someone found his neck, dragged him into a back ally. He didn't notice when they asked him if he was Toki Wartooth from that backyard band. The stupid kids that played for kicks, the good guitarist. He didn't nod, but he didn't deny it. He didn't know what they did to him, what they said after that. He didn't know where their hands went, what weapons they took out, what words they whispered in his ear, how many times they laughed. He didn't know anything except that it hurt, it hurt, it really hurt._

_And suddenly, it didn't hurt anymore._


	6. Say You Love Me

Nathan opened his eyes.

His head was spinning, images of the living Toki assaulting his brain. The world seemed too bright to be real. The darkness was huddled into shadows in the corners, looking up at him expectantly, accusingly. Toki was no longer behind him, but hovering in front of him, and after a few seconds, he appeared to settle down on Nathan's lap, straddling him. Hesitation. Then; silvery hands wrapped around his neck.

"I's sorry." he mumbled.

"Sorry for what?" Nathan said back numbly, hugging the air in return. It was an automatic movement, something he didn't even think about, like his body had just moved of it's own accord. But it felt right, somehow.

"Everythings."

"It's not your fault, Toki. Fuck."

He wished the ghost would have nodded and said 'I know', but he didn't. He just sat there, hands resting around his shoulders still, staring sadly. There were faded circles of black around his eyes, and below they seemed ready to fall into tears again. His shirt was back on, but the bruises around his throat were telling. At least he wasn't bleeding, Nathan thought stupidly.

"I lets them."

"Is this why you can't move on? 'cause you blame yourself?"

"I lets them." Toki repeated insistently. "I kills _myself."_

"No you fucking didn't." Nathan said sharply. "It was their fault, not yours."

Toki fell silent again. After what seemed like an eternity, he whispered; "But I loves you, Nat'ans."

"Yeah." Nathan sighed, wishing he could somehow hug him harder. "Yeah, I know. Fuck, Toki, why me? I didn't do anything."

"I don'ts know." Toki said. "But that. . .those pictures, the last one, the one wit the kissings, I dreams of it all the times. I looks all over for someone new. And then I sees you and I starts wondering, nei, um. . ._knowings. . ._that something felt right."

"You came here for the Flying V." Nathan pointed out.

"But I stays for you."

He leaned in, and for one moment, Nathan thought he was going to try to kiss him. He felt something rise in his face – a blush? – fuck no, he didn't blush. But then Toki didn't do anything but just freeze up suddenly, staring at him with those large, pale eyes, and suddenly, he smiled.

"I loves you." he said, and it must have felt pretty good to say it, because his smile widened. "I loves you!"

"You have to move on, Toki." he sighed, feeling his face get hotter and lifting one hand to press against his forehead absently. "You can't stay a ghost forever. It's. . ." Well. . .it was just damn sad, all of it. "What do I have to do to make you happy so you can be at peace?"

Toki's cheeks darkened suddenly. "Ah. . ." he began hesitantly, then trailed off uncertainly. Nathan frowned.

"Tell me."

"'s a secret." Toki decided at last. "I will tells you when it's right."

Nathan sighed again. He had a feeling he wouldn't be able to weasel it out of the ghost easily. "What will make you happy now?"

Toki shifted a little, uncomfortably.

"Fuck, you know what I do when something shitty happens?" he said suddenly.

Toki shook his head.

"Break stuff." Nathan clarified, and his eyes grew wide. "Buts, I can'ts!" he said. "I can'ts even touch. . ."

Nathan moved to get up, and Toki quickly scrambled off him, hovering a few feet off the ground anxiously. He looked around for a moment, then seized a nearby lamp by the neck. "Take my hand."

"Um. . ." Toki placed his see-through fingers over Nathan's. "Ready?"

"Nat'ans." he said, and Nathan took that as a 'yes,' reeling back and throwing the lamp as hard as he could. It slammed against the opposite wall and twisted oddly, crumbling against the floor. Toki let out an odd little yelp, and Nathan grinned. It felt good. Fuck, it did, like an outlet for the anger. Fucking bastards who hurt him. He'd kill them all if he could. He'd make them pay.

Nathan reached over to the table to pick up a nearby glass and threw it against the wall so hard it dissolved into a thousand tiny fragments. Toki's hands clapped over his mouth.

"FUCK them!" Nathan screamed, not caring if his shouts carried down the street. "Little fuckers that hurt you – screw them all!"

Toki let out a little desirable laugh. Nathan took this as a push, picking up another glass and heaving it across the room. Now Toki _did_ laugh, gliding around to the remains oddly. "It hurt." he muttered. "It _hurt."_

"Hate those little pricks."

"I HATES you!" Toki screamed, and then clapped his hands over his mouth again, eyes wide. "Bad." he whispered.

"No it's not." Nathan pressed. "It's normal. You should hate them. They hurt you. They made you suffer."

"S-suffer. . ." he set his jaw, bowing his head, long hair spilling over his shoulders. "Hate you." He said, and the black rings began to disappear from around his eyes. He smiled strangely. "Bad." he said again, but now, it didn't seem so bad. Nathan watched as his body seemed to change, grow more normal looking, his hair less wild, his eyes more innocent. "_'dey _were bad." he whispered, like it was a revelation. His eyes were locked on the fragments of glass.

"That's fucking right, they were bad."

Toki looked caught between happiness and horror, his eyes an odd mix of emotions. "'dey hurts me." he said. "Bad. . ."

The room filled with momentary silence. Toki's shoulders hitched. His hair covered his face. Nathan watched curiously as his frame shook slightly, his hands slowly clenching into fists and unclenching again, like he was dying all over again. When he looked up again, there were tears on his face, but they weren't black anymore, and around them, he was smiling honestly.

"It feels weirds!" he said, and Nathan almost laughed. "It's not your fault." he said again.

"It's not!" Toki repeated, looking ecstatic now. "Nat'ans – "

He rushed forward in a silver blur and locked his arms around Nathan's waist, his face angled against Nathan's stomach. "Say you loves me." he whispered. "You don'ts have to mean it. I just wants to hear."

Nathan felt his stomach turn. "I, uh. . ." he began awkwardly. Honestly, he didn't know how to feel. Looking down, he could see Toki's nest of hair, once brown, new silver, his face hidden from view. Maybe it would be easier this way, without those big eyes looking up at him expectantly. "I. . .love you."

Toki didn't do anything, staying perfectly still, seeming to savor the moment. He didn't even say it in return. Maybe he thought it wouldn't be right, since Nathan didn't mean it.

Did he mean it?

Did he?

Nathan placed his hand over Toki's hair and awkwardly stroked the air around it, wandering if Toki could see what he was doing. Wondering if he cared if he did.

Did he mean it?

Nathan didn't know.


	7. Touching

Toki looked perfectly normal whenever Nathan saw him again. No scars, no bruises, no cuts. No black tears. He looked like a shadow of what a human should be. But it was hard to forget what he had seen – the other side of Toki, his distorted screams, his past. He acted odd, but nothing too strange that Nathan couldn't reason it away himself. Dodging glances was nothing spectacular – Toki did it all the time. He avoided him sometimes, too, but in a distant, disconnected sort of way that made Nathan suspect he wasn't doing so consciously. And he never again asked Nathan for a declaration of love.

Nathan was climbing into bed to sleep when Toki floated through the door curiously. He looked normal enough, though his cheeks darkened slightly when their eyes met. Nathan was wearing pants and nothing else, and he was vaguely surprised to discover he didn't quite care that he was showing some skin. He rested on top of the blankets and waited for the ghost to speak.

But Toki didn't speak. Instead, he settled down on the bed beside him, his long hair spilling over his shoulders and through the blankets. He looked at Nathan nervously, as if expecting to be shooed away, but when Nathan said nothing, he inched a little closer, cautiously.

"I loves you." he said softly. "I's sorries."

"Yeah." And Nathan pulled an arm around his outline. Toki didn't smile, didn't frown – just moved closer, appearing to rest his head on Nathan's chest, and for one rare moment Nathan wished he could feel him, really feel him, feel his heartbeat and his hair splayed out across his torso and his body real and solid against his. It was fleeting, but it was real, and God, he thought, this wasn't right, the fact that he was a ghost wasn't fucking right. He should never have died.

"If I moves on." he whispered. "Promise that yous will follows me?"

"Huh?" Nathan mumbled, the short wishing spell broken.

"Follows me. I's meets you on the other sides."

Surprisingly, the thought didn't bother him at all. "Yeah, kid. We'll meet up and we'll break stuff for real this time."

Toki laughed a bell-like laugh. Nathan tried to imagine it – dying, what it would feel like, how short the pain would be before it vanished away entirely as it had with Toki. The other side, moving on. . .where ever 'on' was. It wouldn't be so bad, especially know that Toki ensured he wouldn't be alone there. It was a silly thought, picturing the two of them wrecking havoc in another world, laughing, touching.

Touching.

He looked down at Toki, who had his eyes closed peacefully, a tiny smile touching the corners of his mouth.

Touching. . .

Nathan reached down and brushed his fingers across Toki's back, watching the tips move past the illusion of him without the slightest interference. He remembered the scars there, the blood, and wondered, if Toki was alive, if the scars would still show through, like spidery white lines, forever marking him as broken. If he could touch the marks and make the pain go away, make the pain turn to pleasure.

Pleasure. . .

"Hey."

"Mm?" It was answer enough.

Nathan didn't know what to say. 'I'm sorry?' No, that wouldn't work. 'Hey, Toki, I'm confused as hell right now and I really wish you were human so I could work things out like any normal guy?' Right. He sighed heavily and settled for watching Toki's willed nuzzle against his chest.

The truth was, if Toki were alive, they probably would have never met up anyway. Maybe on the 'other side,' where things were probably perfect and everyone lived happily with their prophesized lovers, but not here. Not when they would have been so far apart, a kid trying to get somewhere with a Flying V in a world full of hatred, and a guy living alone off his wasted dreams. Not in this reality.

But it felt right. He wanted to lay next to Toki for real. He wanted to make things right and know that they would be right forever. He wanted to fix everything, get some damn control, because if there was one thing he was lacking these past few days, it was some fucking control.

Briefly, he wondered what Toki was like. Really like. What he tasted like, felt like. Everything.

As if reading his thoughts, the ghost muttered; "When we gets there, can we. . .?"

"Can we what?" his voice came out a bit like a growl, but Toki didn't flinch. "You looks strong." Toki explained. "I guesses you are, so I wonders how it feels, you know, your arms and things. De muscles." Nathan felt the blood creeping into his face. "You has sharp. . .ah. . .fea-tures, and your lips are. . ." he trailed off. "I's jes wondering."

"My lips?" Nathan picked the detail out of his sentences and zoomed in on it. Toki squirmed. "Ja. De kisses. I knows you would gets mad, but I would wants to kisses you. I don't remembers ever beings kissed."

Fuck. ". . .it doesn't bother you, does it." he said a little flatly.

"What?"

"That I'm a guy."

"Oh, nei. I like that yous a guy. And yous big, like a. . .protector or somethings. You protects me."

"You sure about that?" he opted, testing.

"Ja." Toki smiled slyly. "You's big, but yous wouldn't hurt nobodies. Not reallys. I knows that. Is a feeling." he shrugged softly. "Yous nice. I thinks yous would kiss nice, too. When we meets up, I wants to try."

Nathan watched him for a long time, his mind feeling overloaded.

"I'll kiss you." he decided at last, unsure of what possessed him or what his mindset was exactly. It just felt natural, to say it, and he knew it was true as soon as the words left his mouth.

Toki looked up. "Reallys?" His eyes were half-suspicious, half-celebratory. The combination made Nathan laugh shortly. "Yeah, really. When we meet up."

"Yous promise?"

"Sure, promise."

The words seemed to echo in the empty room. Toki settled back against Nathan. "Loves you." he said again.

Nathan didn't answer. He was thinking about another place, maybe white, maybe nothing, just a place, where Toki was real and his hair was chestnut-brown and his eyes had that strange blue hue to them, and his skin was warm and soft and when Nathan leaned down to kiss him it would be just like in his mother's prophecy, two figures alone, entwined together as if they had been waiting for their moment for a lifetime.

- - - - - - - -

one more chapter to go!


	8. Finale

Nathan woke up with a soft sigh, knowing tonight had been full of dreams but forgetting what they were. Bits and pieces floated back to him distantly, like leaves placed in flowing water, catching. He blinked several times, and his eyes focused on a silvery mess of hair just a few inches from his face. Probably nothing, just the remnants of his inner mind. The kind of dream that follows you.

And then Toki tossed his head back sleepily and Nathan remembered, all at once – the reflection, the Flying V, the memories, the promise. All at once it seemed so unreal, so unbelievable, and rightfully so. A ghost – a ghost in love with him. A ghost he promised he'd meet up with after death. Promised to kiss. Maybe or maybe not part of tonight's dreams, which he was slowly being convinced were no longer nightmares. A ghost he may or may not be falling in love with.

_Fuck,_ he thought incoherently, because love was such a heavy word, one he never thought he'd ever use, especially not in a situation like this. This should be bewilderment, anger, maybe, maybe pity. Not love. But –

_I'll kiss you._

_Yous promise?_

_Sure, promise._

Toki was watching him.

"I's fading." he said softly, and Nathan looked up. Toki looked the same to him, strangely clear in spite of his translucent glow, pale silver in hues mocking colors he once held. "What?"

"I's fading." Toki repeated patiently, sadly. "I can feel it."

Nathan felt his stomach slowly turning over. "Fading?" he repeated thickly.

"Ja. I guess I's stays because of, ah. . .unfinished businesses? That thing I saw befores, the two peoples." he explained. "But now I found de second person, and I's happier. So I guess I starts to fade because I'm. . .done."

_Done._ The way he said it seemed so. . ."You can't be done." Nathan protested. "Just because you showed me your past?"

"I's happier now." Toki said, and Nathan felt his anger rising in spite of himself. "No – not yet." he said sharply. "You can't go yet. We haven't. . ."

. . ._haven't what?_

Toki was inching closer. "You makes me happy." he said. "'dis all I wanted. Someone who loves me."

"I – " _don't, _he almost said, but there was no way to finish. Toki knew. He was fucking dead, for God's sake, whose to say he couldn't see right through him? There was a moment, fleeting, and then Toki rose from the bed and floated over by the door, his feet hovering above the ground. He smiled impishly and vanished through the other side.

Nathan got to his feet slowly with a soft exhale of breath and threw the door open, but Toki wasn't on the other side. Nor was he in the hallway, or the kitchen, or the living room. Nathan felt his heart beating faster – where the hell was he? He couldn't have gone, just like that, could he? Without a word?

At last he checked outside, looking around expectantly, his heart heavy in his throat, when he heard a soft giggle and looked up. Toki was sitting in a tree, his hand balanced on one of the branches, swinging his legs a little. "You finds me." he announced happily.

"Christ, don't fucking scare me like that." Nathan grumbled as Toki laughed again. The sun was just coming up – he hadn't realized how early it was, and the lights were bleeding through him like watercolors, pinks and oranges and reds that made his silvery form glow. The rays sliced through the tree branches in all directions, bursts of white that blinded him a little, making him hold a hand up to shield his eyes. It was. . .nice.

"I can'ts stay."

"Yeah you can." Nathan said, feeling a little sick as Toki floated down, his silvery, bare feet brushing the bare earth. He had never really taken into account how much _smaller_ he was, shorter and so much skinner, so fragile in appearance. For a moment, the translucent shine was gone, the glow was gone, and for a moment, he really believed that Toki was alive again, alive and well, and that everything was going to be all right and he'd get the happily ever after he deserved.

And then the moment passed.

"Kiss me?" Toki said, his voice small.

Nathan didn't bother to say that he couldn't. He placed both large hands on either side of Toki's face, feeling nothing. Essentially, it was as if they were hovering in thin air, but Toki was there between them, looking up at him hopefully. So he leaned down and kissed the space where his lips would have been.

Toki's body shifted slightly, as if he were melting into the kiss. His eyes drifted closed, and his ghostly hands wrapped around Nathan's neck, never to be felt. For what seemed like an eternity they stood there, on two different sides of the universe, pretending for a moment that they were one, and then Nathan pulled away and blinked slowly and Toki was there, smiling up at him sadly.

"I loves you." Toki said, as if testing out the words. Then, he smiled.

Nathan closed his eyes.

_We'll meet up on the other side._

"I love you too, kid." he whispered.

When he opened them again, Toki was gone.

- - - - -

Nathan Explosion didn't cry.

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, he watched his reflection hollowly. No second reflection, no dream to follow him. No Toki to stare owlishly back at him from over his shoulder. No Toki to tap his arm, regardless of knowing he wouldn't feel it, and ask questions. No Toki. . .

Suddenly, he reeled back and punched the mirror as hard as he could. It shattered on impact, pieces of glass sinking into his knuckles and palm, shards flying around him and clicking against the ground like a thousand little mirrors.

Nathan Explosion didn't cry.

But without a word, he wiped the wetness off his face and turned away.

- - - - -

end


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